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Archive for the ‘Old People Foods’ Category

Old Man Word 89: Bologna

The old man word is bologna (the city and the meat) not baloney (the drivel that comes from your mouth).  Old people think you talk baloney but the real mystery is bologna.  Why is that product still manufactured?  Does someone actually eat that stuff?

Yup. Old people.

Twas a time, kids, when bologna was the sandwich of choice.  I’m not talking about the fancy veal bologna you can order off Amazon, I’m talking the round circles of Meat (TM) served by the Oscar-Meyer folks.  This stuff:

Meat Bologna

Meat Bologna

Believe it or not bologna once reigned as the top sammich meat.  Two slices of white bread, buttered and mayonnaised, with some bologna shoved in between.  Bologna was King.  Then there was PB&J (sans mayo but with, yes, the butter) and, at the bottom, the lowly cheese sandwich, usually made with Velveeta.   There was no fancy shit like “turkey” or “roast beef” or any of this crap you see today.

Then, in 1981, a man named “Carl Buddig” came to America from Germany.  Buddig took one look at the crappy meat market and realized “bologna is disgusting.”  So he rolled out his own presliced faux meat product line “Buddig.”  The Buddig meats were essentially bologna except with a way more marketable name (who doesn’t want to eat meat products named “Buddig”).  The revolution was on.

Not to be outdone the Oscar-Meyer crew rolled out the Lunchable thing.  That was cool for awhile until everyone realized it was just smaller slices of bologna packaged up with crackers.  With the cat out of the bag the corporate-grocery chains rolled in with their “deli meats.”  All of this led to the catastrophic situation of today where snotty kids eat caviar and black truffle infused pheasant sandwiches, I don’t know.

And yet the bologna is still eaten by the old people.  Why?

Here’s the answer:  Old people are stubborn.  Stubborn fools.  They lack the basic capacity of all mammals to change their behavior from negative experiences.  They drive Buicks, they use the Right Guard spray on deodorant, and they eat bologna.  In fact old people are so dagnabbit stubborn they not only eat the bologna they’ll eat that retched “head cheese” the butcher sells.  What you don’t know for head cheese?  Don’t be a fool.

Now With Extra Gullet!

Now With Extra Gullet!

Head cheese was created when the bologna-makers said “what would happen if we put less meat and more gelatin into our already wretched bologna?”  The result was head cheese: bits of discarded meat molded together with gelatin.  Dogs won’t eat head cheese.  Yet visit any old folks home and you’ll see rows upon rows of skinny old people snacking on head cheese.

“I got me a hunk-a stomach in this one!”

This purt-near starts a riot of course.  Scores upon scores of old people screaming and yelling and shaking their canes and demanding more stomachs in their head cheese.

It’s terrible.

Bologna. n.

1.  Relic used by Hollywood screenwriters to provide authenticity to films set in the 1950’s.

2.  Food [disfavored, primarily used by old people].

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