Archive for February, 2009

Please welcome guest blogger Chester McSwan.  He’s here to teach you about old man things.  Today’s topic?  Jack Lalanne.

Jack Lalanne by Chester McSwan

Chester McSwan

Chester McSwan

So you wanna know about Jack Lalanne huh?  You came to the right man.  If there’s one thing I know about it’s Jack Lalanne.  If there’s two things it’s Jack Lalanne and more things about Jack Lalanne.  If there’s three it’s Jack Lalanne, Jack Lalanne, and diesel motors.  I know about Jack Lalanne!

Jack Lalanne was the strongest man that ever lived.  Jack Lalanne could do 1000 fingertip pushups, guy like you can’t hardly lift your butt to wipe it.  Lalanne’s favorite pastime was cast-iron stove tossing.  He wasn’t doing it to show off, he just hated cast-iron stoves.  Some upstart gave Lalanne a medicine ball once.  He tore it in two and said ‘thanks for the warm-up.’  Lalanne was one strong son-of-a-bitch!

Nobody messed with Jack Lalanne, not even babies.  Lalanne could walk into a room of crying babies and they’d shut their mouths right quick.  Lalanne woulda whipped em something fierce and them stupid babies knew it.  Same thing with retards.

Lalanne loved Jesus more than Jesus’ mother.  But he didn’t put up with that ninny stuff they teach in the Bible.  One day the pastor read the part about the meek inheriting the Earth.  Lalanne turned bright red and told that pastor to quit lying:

Lalanne:  ‘No they won’t.’

Pastor:  “Then who will Mr. Lalanne?”

Lalanne: “Me.”

Then Lalanne threw the pastor into the organ and told everybody he was pastor now.  He gave us new Bibles that said ‘strong finger-tip push-up doers would inherit the Earth.’  We renamed the Church ‘St. Lalanne’s Church of Kicking Ass and Fingertip Pushing-Up.’  Lalanne upped the tithe to 100% but we didn’t mind.

Lalanne had a boner the size of a Buick.  He sexed more dames then Bogie, Welk, and Dwight D. Eisenhower combined.  When Jack did his thing the lady got two things: 1. a permanent limp; and 2. a baby in her womb.  And every one of his kids was either a casanova or a muscle-man.  Jack was too humble to let 50,000 kids take his name but, trust me, he spawned plenty of famous fellas.  Arnold Schwarzenegger?  Try Arnold Lalanne.  Paul Newman and Robert Redford?  They should have named that movie Butch Lalanne and the Sundance Kid Lalanne.  Joe Montana to Jerry Rice?  Try Joe Lalanne to Jerry Lalanne.  Man had more kids than a goat.

Well so now you know about Jack Lalanne.  I expect you’ll probably want to write him a letter or something, apologize for being so ignorant. You owe him that much I figure.

That and $99.95 for a juicer.


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Old Man Word 88: Fuss

Let’s say you go visit a friend.  Your friend is obliged to ask if you “need anything.”   You are required to say, “don’t worry about it” or — if you’re old — “don’t make a fuss.”  Politeness dictates your friend say something like “it’s no problem.”  Now you are free to ask for a beverage or light snack provided it is neither expensive nor time-consuming; like a beer or a Jack and Coke.  Asking for a blended strawberry margarita with Patron?  No.  That is expensive and time-consuming to make (in addition to massively vaginal).

This is the “Fuss Code of Honor.”

Old people don’t get this.  Or, if they do get it, they have no compunction about violating it.  To the cooters the “fuss-response” is carte-blanche for them to demand you perform whatever menial/disgusting task they need done.  In their mind the “it’s no bother” response is blanket amnesty.  Here’s an example:

Grandson:  Grandma, do you need anything?

Grandma:  Oh don’t make a fuss about me, I’m fine.

G’son:  No really, it’s not a problem. What would you like?

G’ma:  I’ll take a ham-salad sandwich and a butt-wipe.  I just soiled myself.

See that, a total violation of the Fuss Code of Honor.  And now, because you’re polite, and because you’ve already proclaimed that whatever they want is “not a problem,” you’re stuck grinding ham and wiping Grandma’s butt.

They’re rude bastards.  No doubt about it.

Fuss. n.

1. needless activity and worry
2. old person pleasantry indicating their intention to ask you to waste your afternoon performing revolting tasks that will scar you psychologically.

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