Old Man Word 89: Bologna

Old Man Word 89: Bologna
The old man word is bologna (the city and the meat) not baloney (the drivel that comes from your mouth).  Old people think you talk baloney but the real mystery is bologna.  Why is that product still manufactured?  Does someone actually eat that stuff?
Yup. Old people.
Twas a time, kids, when bologna [...]

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Old Man Word 90: The Itch

Old Man Word 90: The Itch
Itchiness is a character flaw.  Itching stems from bad hygiene and/or bad women.  I shun the itching and their itching ways.  The very word itch is, to me, the equivalent of the word moist to a woman: awful.
My issue with the word spawns from — who else? — the eld.  [...]

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Old Man Word 91: Miserly

Old Man Word 91: Miserly
Lobster aren’t indigenous to the Pacific Northwest.  They tried to come up this way but ran into our crap crab population.  Lobsters were all “don’ mess wit’ us southies” but the crabs were wearing socks with sandals which scared the lobsters half to hell.  Lobsters turned lobster-tail and left.  If the [...]

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Old Man Word 92: Readers

Old Man Word 92: Reader
98.4% of the populace defines a story as a “fictional narrative recounting a series of people and events” and readers as “persons who read.”   The remaining 1.6% are old people.  Old people think “stories” are daytime television shows that overuse the word hope.  I’ll cover that mumbo at a later date.  [...]

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Old Man Word 93: Whippersnapper

Old Man Word 93: Whippersnapper
There was no reason for me to do whippersnapper. Everyone knows what it means. I tried about forty different ways and none worked. Screw it:
Whippersnapper. n.
1.  A person regarded as insignificant and pretentious.
2. A young person.
3. You.

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Old Man Word 94: Gas

Old Man Word 94: Gas
The eld think it’s cool to use the word “gas” in place of the word “fun.”  (They call fuel “regular” or “petrol”).  Anything an old person thinks is cool must, by implication, be the opposite; that is, lame.  Thus if you hear someone describe something as a “gas” you may properly [...]

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Old Man Word 95: Sam Hill

Old Man Word 95: Sam Hill
Old people truly despise this guy Sam Hill.  Of course — in typical old man fashion — they have no basis for their ire.  Some folk think he was a guy who ran for office in the 1700’s (a durned politician!)  Another Sam Hill was an advocate for “good roads.”  [...]

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Old Man Word 96: Dadgummit

Old Man Word 96: Dadgummit
Nobody likes a cliche’. The most irksome of all cliches are found in bad dialogue; when the writer relies on stereotypical catch-phrases to convey the tropes of the character. Here are a few examples:

The New Joisey goomba who tells a compatriot to “fuhgeddaboutit.” (Why that must be an [...]

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Old Man Word 97: Fopdoodle

Old Man Word 97: Fopdoodle
The first three posts on this site have started off with a little soliloquoy tangentially relevant to the term I’m “defining.” (If you’ve read those posts you’ll get why the quotes are necessary). We doing this one a little different, giving you the definition up front. Here’s the [...]

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Old Man Word 98: Cock

Old Man Word 98: Cock
Old people do not have sex (thank God).  Their parts are shriveled and flaccid and baggy.  The Government would never condone such shenanigans.  Indeed, is this not why we have a Government, to ensure that old people do not gross out their fellow humans by engaging in sex?  Yes.  [...]

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